Dear Maasi is a column about everything you wanted to know about sex and relationships but were afraid to ask! It’s a partnership between Sahiyo and WeSpeakOut, and is for all of us who have questions about khatna (FGM/C) and how it impacts our bodies, minds, sexualities and relationships. We welcome you to submit your anonymous questions.
Dear Maasi,
When I was younger and underwent khatna, I felt very powerless. Now, as an adult, I prefer sexual dynamics where someone else is dominant and I'm submissive. I worry that this is because of the trauma I experienced with khatna, and not because it's what I like. Is there something wrong with me because I like this kind of sex?
--Jameela
Dear Jameela,
This is a brave question, and one I’ve been asked many times. The sexual dynamics that you describe can be considered kink practices, which are often maligned and misunderstood despite being common and normal.
Let’s start with some information about kink:
-it’s an umbrella term for a range of erotic practices, some of which might play with power. Humans are playful and imaginative when it comes to sexual expression (hurray for that!). Here’s a list from the mainstream women’s magazine, Glamour.
-BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) is one of the most common kinks. Jameela, your preferences lie in this category.
-kink is consensual adult sexual behavior, and many participants negotiate communication norms before, during, and after for ongoing consent, and to ensure that partners are still having a good time. For readers curious to learn more, check out this BDSM primer.
-it’s worth repeating that BDSM is very common!
In a 2014 study of 1516 adults (published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine), 65% of women and 53% of men fantasized about being sexually dominated, and 47% of women and 60% of men fantasized about dominating someone else.
Now to your questions, Jameela. Is a desire to be sexually submissive a result of trauma?
Let’s look at where this idea comes from:
Back in 1905, Freud labeled BDSM as an inappropriate repetition compulsion and this idea has hung on, aided and abetted by sex-negative social norms that stigmatize sexual pleasure.
However, ideas about sexuality have evolved since 1905 (thank goodness!):
The American Psychiatric Association destigmatized kink in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013 by making distinctions between consensual and non-consensual sexual behaviours.
A 2021 study compared 771 BDSM practitioners and 518 non-practitioners (published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy) and found that that both groups had almost the same levels of childhood trauma. The authors firmly argue against the hypothesis of BDSM being a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to early life dynamics.
Some trauma survivors do link BDSM to their healing, but this is not inappropriate. Rather, it can be liberatory. Here’s why:
Khatna does happen in a context of our powerlessness. Trauma tramples our boundaries and teaches us that our bodies are a source of shame, overwhelm, lack of control and/or pain. When negotiation and communication are in place, a survivor can use kink and power play to learn and express boundaries, and to experience new pleasures. It can help a survivor to feel ownership over her own body and sexuality.
In my novel Seven, I used two BDSM scenes to explore this idea. Sharifa, a khatna survivor, tends to dissociate or zone our when sexual. Her husband Murtuza introduces a blindfold and handcuffs, and she goes with it, not expecting that she will have profound realizations about why she hasn’t been able to “let go” and experience pleasure.
Kink and power play can also just be fun! Regardless of whether someone has experienced trauma or not, this can be a wonderful way to play (and don’t all adults need more playfulness in their lives?), to escape the mundane, to broaden one’s sexual menu, to build intimacy and to explore aspects of the self.
If you’d like to explore this question further with a professional, make sure to find one with training in sexual health. Here’s a resource about how to find a sex-positive therapist or counsellor.
I hope this answers your question, Jameela. Sexual pleasure is our birthright!
---Maasi
About Maasi, aka Farzana Doctor:
Farzana is a novelist and psychotherapist in private practice. She’s a founding member of WeSpeakOut and the End FGM/C Canada Network. She loves talking about relationships and sexuality! Find out more about her here.
Disclaimer:
While Farzana is full of good advice, this column won’t address everyone’s individual concerns and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical or psychological care.