By Sheena Vasani
After Sahiyo U.S. and TightLipped hosted the webinar, “Pain, Stigma, and Sexual Health: Healing Through Storytelling” in December 2023, I spoke to Grace Culqui to learn more about her experiences as a webinar panelist and chronic pelvic pain survivor.
During the webinar, Grace opened up for the first time in a public setting about her ten-year struggle with Vestibulodynia, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and Lichen Sclerosus. In our interview, we got to learn more about her process of connecting with others and sharing her story. I found her insights to be both inspiring and honest, and believe her lessons in protecting your peace and finding safe people could be helpful for others who experience pain, trauma, or harm, including those affected by female genital cutting (FGC).
For Grace, it wasn’t as if she woke up one day feeling ready to share her story with the world. Rather, reaching this point was a slow process; a culmination of multiple conversations with what she calls her “safe people.” But first, she had to find them.
“I learned in therapy [...] that someone may not be a bad person, but they may just not be a safe person to talk to you about these types of things.”
“If you've never shared your story before, with [safe] people you'll get that validation and you'll get the love that you should receive when sharing a hard story.”
As a result of those conversations, she began to slowly feel safe enough to share her story with others who have gone through similar experiences. It’s in the TightLipped community where Grace found people who can empathize and truly understand.
“I have always gotten validation and reassurance [from Tight Lipped]. When I joined, I felt finally I had found my community. Starting to hear other people's stories, [I realized] that I'm not alone in what I was going through, even though I felt alone for so long.”
Ultimately, that support inspired her to participate in the webinar.
“When I was asked to participate [in the webinar], I immediately wanted to be a part of that,” she said. “I felt like if I could aid in helping somebody else feel the way that I felt when I’ve heard people sharing their stories, then I wanted to be a part of that [...] change.”
She couldn’t believe how people responded when she finally opened up for the first time in the webinar.
“Once I finished speaking, the comments – the chat section – was just filled with people relating to me and thanking me for sharing – I was not expecting that at all. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm trying not to cry on this recorded webinar.”
Grace emphasizes that just because she was able to participate in the webinar, it doesn’t mean she’s no longer fearful about speaking out.
“Sometimes it can seem like [...] when you're listening to somebody's story and they're giving this amazing advice, it [feels] like, ‘Oh, I need to get to that place.’ I feel like when it comes to things like chronic pain, it's such a roller coaster type of experience though.”
“For me, I want to find somebody who will validate and love me through my pain, which isn't something that I've ever experienced before,” Grace adds. “I'm so scared for the next time I am going to have that conversation with a partner, so it's all a learning process.”
It’s her safe people that have, over time, changed how she relates to that fear and her pain in general.
“I'm still young and I still don't have it all figured out, but the biggest thing that's really helped me is just to remind myself, “it's okay for it to suck, it's okay for it to be emotionally painful, and it's okay to feel the emotions. At the same time, always give yourself that grace and protect your peace’.”
She’s also learned tools and techniques that have given her strength.
“[Give] yourself grace and [realize] that person’s response to something so vulnerable is not reflective of you or what you shared. That is entirely on that person to react in that way, and remind yourself that's not a safe person to have in my life – at least in this time.”
What’s more important, Grace says, is to honor where you’re at first though. If you don’t feel ready to share your story at all, you don’t have to – even if you see others doing so.
“Protect yourself and protect your peace.”
“Just keep implementing that positive self-talk,” she adds.“Because eventually you're going to start telling more safe people, you're going to start feeling more validated, and you're going to start to believe that it's true.”
If you want to hear more about Grace’s full story, be sure to watch the webinar here.